The more people we know closely, the more deeply we love them, the larger the certain debt of pain that will come with grief, and the more we have to worry about. Because life is happening all around us, all the time. More and more, I have come to understand this as the fundamental human dilemma. To love is to lose. The more we love, the harder we lose. And the option? There is no option.Read More
I went for a run in the arboretum, trying to shake the sadness about my daughter not coming home for Thanksgiving that has been shadowing me. Instead of which, I started ruminating about all the choices I have made in life that resulted in this eventuality. Entirely ignoring that her opting to spend the holiday with her partner is the natural order of things, that she lives on the other side of the country and the airfare for a weekend is absurd, that I’ll see her in a month, every pounding step was an accusation, recrimination, castigation. Suddenly I could see in full array, every mis-step, wrong headedness, and failure, and knew with absolute clarity that I have completely blown it.
I learned this morning that Perri Mayes died suddenly last week. For the past few years, I have studied facilitative mediation with Perri — learning how to help disputing parties come to resolution by guiding them through a process that allows them to apply creative solutions to entrenched problems. Perri Mayes was an amazing teacher. No matter how gnarly the knot between people, her gentle humor, deep respect, and unfailing compassion were able to help them get to a place where they could set aside their emotions and hear each other. She taught us that helping people step away from their positions creates space to address the basic interests that the positions represent.Read More
We all had a mother once. But some of us lost her early, and some of us have or had mothers who weren’t so good for us. It is a vitally important relationship, and it can go wrong in so many ways. The mother who is hyper-critical, the mother who is over indulgent, the mother who is indifferent, and countless other flavors of wrong.Read More